


Dildos and Smashing.

by Liberteaaxx



Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, Multi, Not an alternate world, The Real Story, This is the real story, simon is life, what actually happened, what the fuck is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 19:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5978683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liberteaaxx/pseuds/Liberteaaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where nothing makes sense but somehow it does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dildos and Smashing.

Louis could feel those dark brown eyes burning onto him, almost like it was burning a hole into the back of his head. But what could he do? Confront him? No chance, he wasn't going to ruin his shot by being a dick head.

"Hey Lou" Louis turned at that voice, a smile instantly setting on his lips as he embraced them.

"Hey Curly"

"I just went for a wee and I didn't piss on anyone, are you proud?"

"So proud" Louis replied, a short laugh falling from his lips but it soon stopped.

The eyes he 'felt' on him were most definitely looking at him, but now they were burning onto his own blue ones. He shifted back a few steps, suddenly feeling stupidly uncomfortable and of course Harry noticed. He turned around and saw Simon, stood at the side of the stage.

He had a plain V-neck T shirt on with a pair of simple blue boyfriend jeans, his arms were crossed over his chest and the only person he was looking at was Louis. And there was around four hundred lads on this stage right now.

And he stayed like that for the next few hours, almost like a statue, the only time he moved was to blow a kiss. Louis didn't believe that it was directed to him, so he ignored it, simply got on with the dance routine and left with Harry by his side.

Louis and Harry had spent the evening cuddled up in Louis' hotel room, wrapped in each other with Love Actually playing on the background and it was the perfect ending to the day. But soon, Louis was craving a cigarette. He didn't think much of it being three in the morning, he shoved Harry's jumper over his body and left the room leaving the younger boy curled up into the pillow.

It was cold outside, but he quite liked it, feeling the cold breeze on his face as he stepped into the smoking area.

He sat there, a cigarette hanging from his lips as he admired the beauty of moonlight and the lit streets. London was beautiful at night, that was certain. But soon, the lights were dimmed and the moonlight was blocked from his view.

He did not expect to see that the 'thing' blocking his view would be no one other than Simon Cowell. The cigarette dropped from his mouth as he gawked at the sight.

"Good Evening Louis" He spoke, his voice deep as if he was putting on a show and he was the villain.

"Hi?" Louis almost questioned, he was more than a little confused.

"Mind if I sit?"

Louis nodded, sliding along the bench to give him a room. As he dropped beside him he got a waft of the expensive aftershave practically sweating from Simon, it was a rich smell but still, ugly.

"I've been watching you"

"Yeah, I've noticed" Louis replied shortly. "It's fucking creepy, what are you? Shit, are you like Edward Cullen? Are you going to watch me and then follow me into the woods and let me expose you as a vampire? Ah nah, I didn't sign up for this"

"No Louis, I am no Vampire"

"Thank fuck for that" He relaxed.

"I have a proposition for you"

"Go on?" Louis urged, inching up in his seat as he looked over at Simon. Slightly confused as to why he was wearing a pair of sunglasses at night.

"I'm very fond of you, kid. I can't seem to stop looking at you" He admitted "There's something about you that is like a drug to me, I can't stop thinking about you"

"Okay?"

"I'd like you to have sex with me"

"What?" Louis mouth dropped at that, his eye were wide and his brain was positively frazzled.

"You and I, are going to have sex"

"No, no, we're not" Louis quickly refused "I don't want to have sex with you, I'm with Harry, I love Harry"

"The curly haired boy?"

"Yes"

"He's no good for you" Simon scoffed, rolling his eyes at the statement "He would not do what I would do for you - I would get matching tattoos with you, I would have a secret relationship with you for years and only admit our love through secret gestures and words on stage. I would become a mystery, tweeting aesthetically weird messages all day just because I would have became so trapped from our love"

"No you wouldn't, nobody would do that" Louis retorted "That's stupid as fuck"

"Louis, we could be good together"

"You're like four hundred years old, you have a chest that looks like a yeti and your jeans are giving you a mangina. I don't fuck with that shit bro"

"We could be the power couple of the century"

"I'd look like your son"

"I'd be good in bed" Simon continued.

"You'd flop, just like all of the winners on the X Factor so far"

"Please Louis, you have to give me a chance" By this point Simon's glasses were moved onto his head and his eyes were pleading with Louis'.

"Sorry Simon mate, I'd rather not fuck someone's who's hairline parts like an open arse crack. Good luck with the future but I'm going to go back to my boyfriend now, maybe you should move on"

And Louis walked away, leaving Simon in a tears, he noticed that his tears were blood, he was certain at that point that Simon was the devil. But he still did not change his mind, he didn't want to have the Devils dagger up his arse hole every night.

Five years later.

"Mr Tomlinson, can you please explain in detail what happened on the night of February Eleventh, two thousand and sixteen please"

"Certainly your honour" Louis said as he stood behind the podium by the judge "I arrived home after a long day with Harry, my beard and my beard baby. I saw there was a parcel by my door with a note"

"What did that note say?"

"It said, To you, my love. Always, Simon"

"Carry on"

"Well, I was contemplating throwing it away right then or even sending it to Niall because usually it's creepy shit that Niall gets off on when he's posting Larry tapes on porn hub... Sorry, right, I decided to open it anyway because this was a large one. Anyway, when I opened it I was more than a little surprised" Louis said, frowning at the memory "out popped this massive fucking dick balloon and I mean huge, it hit me in the face and everything but that was not the worst thing - in the box was around one hundred pink dildos, a hundred vibrators, like eighty cock rings and then these like sex tapes"

"What was on the tapes Mr Tomlinson?"

"They were all of Simon Cowell stripping and then dancing to Nicki Minaj"

"Thank you" The judge spoke.

"Simon's so creepy" He heard the voice and his eyes followed the sound until he found the person who said it, instantly his head fell back in exhaustion. He didn't need this today.

"Shut the fuck up" That voice was much easier to hear, he saw the curly haired boy stand to his feet, his finger pointing towards Briana with a glare "Why the fuck are you even here Banana?"

"Order, Mr Styles. We are holding both of Mr Tomlinson's court cases today to save time and money" The judge explained.

"What court case?" He asked.

"We also have the hearing of Miss Briana Jungwirth and the whole community of Larries"

"Hey, fuck you Briana" A larrie shouted from the crowd.

"Yeah fuck you" Simon and Harry spoke in unison and that wasn't good, everyone saw Harry's rage.

Everyone stood with wide eyes and fear as Harry stood with his fists clenched, his eyes were turning red and soon he was ripping his white shirt from his body with a loud roar. Everybody knew that angry Harry was bad, when Dark Harrie activated everyone was fucked. And when his skin turned green, there was no chance for Simon.

"Fuck this shit" The judge shouted before making a quick exit from the room.

Harry went into a rage, his usual six foot sized body now doubled as his body burst through the roof. He was kicking and shoving everyone out of his way as he moved in his path towards Simon who was sat in his seat with literal shit stains in his pants.

"Me Harry, me angry" Hulk Harry shouted, his fists banging on his chest.

"Look Louis" Simon shouted "Look how tiny his dick is now he's hulk"

And that was it, Harry held his hand up in the air with his fist tight and within seconds he had smashed it down onto Simon's body, crushing him.

Harry picked up Louis in his hand and he walked out of the building, his big ogre feet smashing cars and people around him but all he cared about was his happy ever after with Louis.

And in the end, Harry and Louis both left the UK and bought an island. They had twenty children, four turtles and a pet hippo. Niall, soon wanked so much to larrie porn that he left his left arm. Liam, who was never mentioned ended up in rehab after his mixtape failed to sell. And Simon, well he died.

They lived happily ever after.

The end.


End file.
